This is the 32nd in a series of 40 pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.
based on the song “Jack Sparrow”
(With apologies to Lonely Island, Michael Bolton, and the Walt Disney corporation…)
[Messina: Don Pedro, Don John, Leonato, Claudio, Benedick]
P: Signior Claudio, and Signior Benedick, my
dear friend Leonato hath invited you all. I tell
him we shall stay here at the least a month,
and he heartily prays some occasion may
detain us longer.
L: Let me bid you welcome, my lord:
being reconciled to the prince your
brother, I owe you all duty.
J: I thank you:
I am not of many words,
but I thank you.
L: Please it your Grace lead on? [Exit]
J: Boys, let’s get to it…
P: Here we go…
B: Claudio, Benedick, Don Pedro, Don John…
C: The night starts now…
B: On Leonato’s tract,
The boys are back!
C: The night starts now!
B: Night starts now,
‘Cause we’re back from the war;
You know we’re all gearing up
For a little R&R.
J: Yeah, yeah!
P: My soldiers proved to be the paragon
Of defenders of the Kingdom of Aragon.
J: Come on!
C: Enemy retreating
As we’re taking to the field;
All the rebels quake and tremble
And they’re quickly gonna yield.
Sword in my hand, and a pistol I’ve got;
You’ll either get cut, get stabbed, or get shot.
J: This is the tale
Of Don John the Bastard;
Stood up to the prince,
And challenged his place.
J: Now he’s taken back,
Trusted with a muzzle;
Better a canker in his hedge,
Than a rose in his grace.
P: Yeah, that was kind of weird,
But we’re here catching up;
We’re soldiers back from war,
And now our thoughts have turned to love.
C: I have set my sights
On Leonato’s daughter;
I liked before the war,
But in peace I think I got her.
B:Watch it girl, cause I ain’t
Your “getting wed” guy,
More like the “insult you,
And then get inside your head” guy.
J: Yeah, yeah.
B: Beatrice and I
Have been in a merry war,
But to be perfectly honest, I…
J: Now back to the good part!
From the day he was born,
He wore the bar sinister.
J: In his melancholy face,
Is a mouth that would bite.
He’s the black sheep of the clan,
The trickster of Messina.
P: Uh huh.
J: But knowing his ill birth,
Can you begrudge him his fight?
B: Yeah, we know what a bastard is.
P: Put the war in the past
And forgive old debts, come on.
J: Love child.
P: It’s a time for mirth,
So don’t dwell on birth, come on.
J: Nullius filius.
C: Don John, we’re really gonna need you to focus up.
J: Roger that, let me show you what I mean.
J: The prince says he’s on your side,
But it’s really just a ruse.
P: Not true.
J: He wants to win her for himself,
And that is why he woos.
B: Come on.
J: Okay, then pull my finger;
Watch hilarity ensue.
C: No, thank you.
J: Then please allow me to imply
That your lady’s been untrue.
C: Wait, what?
J: (If I can cross him any way,
I bless myself every way.)
This is the tale
Of your mistress Hero;
Take her to wife,
And a cuckold you’ll be!
B: Take it home.
J: Disloyal’s too good
A word for the wicked;
Follow me tonight,
So you all can see.
C: Okay, turns out that Don John is a major bastard.
J: My parents weren’t married.
P: Yeah, okay.