Shakespeare Song Parody: The Bastard

This is the 32nd in a series of 40 pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.


The Bastard
based on the song “Jack Sparrow”

(With apologies to Lonely Island, Michael Bolton, and the Walt Disney corporation…)

[Messina: Don Pedro, Don John, Leonato, Claudio, Benedick]

P: Signior Claudio, and Signior Benedick, my
dear friend Leonato hath invited you all. I tell
him we shall stay here at the least a month,
and he heartily prays some occasion may
detain us longer.

L: Let me bid you welcome, my lord:
being reconciled to the prince your
brother, I owe you all duty.

J: I thank you:
I am not of many words,
but I thank you.

L: Please it your Grace lead on? [Exit]

J: Boys, let’s get to it…

P: Here we go…

B: Claudio, Benedick, Don Pedro, Don John…

J: Yeah!

C: The night starts now…

B: On Leonato’s tract,
The boys are back!

C: The night starts now!

B: Night starts now,
‘Cause we’re back from the war;
You know we’re all gearing up
For a little R&R.

J: Yeah, yeah!

P: My soldiers proved to be the paragon
Of defenders of the Kingdom of Aragon.

J: Come on!

C: Enemy retreating
As we’re taking to the field;
All the rebels quake and tremble
And they’re quickly gonna yield.
Sword in my hand, and a pistol I’ve got;
You’ll either get cut, get stabbed, or get shot.

J: This is the tale
Of Don John the Bastard;
Stood up to the prince,
And challenged his place.

B: What?

J: Now he’s taken back,
Trusted with a muzzle;
Better a canker in his hedge,
Than a rose in his grace.

P: Yeah, that was kind of weird,
But we’re here catching up;
We’re soldiers back from war,
And now our thoughts have turned to love.

J: Misbegotten.

C: I have set my sights
On Leonato’s daughter;
I liked before the war,
But in peace I think I got her.

J: Half-blooded.

B:Watch it girl, cause I ain’t
Your “getting wed” guy,
More like the “insult you,
And then get inside your head” guy.

J: Yeah, yeah.

B: Beatrice and I
Have been in a merry war,
But to be perfectly honest, I…

J: Now back to the good part!

From the day he was born,
He wore the bar sinister.

B: No!

J: In his melancholy face,
Is a mouth that would bite.

He’s the black sheep of the clan,
The trickster of Messina.

P: Uh huh.

J: But knowing his ill birth,
Can you begrudge him his fight?

B: Yeah, we know what a bastard is.

P: Put the war in the past
And forgive old debts, come on.

J: Illegitimate.

B: What?

J: Love child.

C: No!

P: It’s a time for mirth,
So don’t dwell on birth, come on.

J: Nullius filius.

B: Nope.

J: Bastard-born.

B: Wrong.

C: Don John, we’re really gonna need you to focus up.

J: Roger that, let me show you what I mean.

B: Wait.

J: The prince says he’s on your side,
But it’s really just a ruse.

P: Not true.

J: He wants to win her for himself,
And that is why he woos.

B: Come on.

J: Okay, then pull my finger;
Watch hilarity ensue.

C: No, thank you.

J: Then please allow me to imply
That your lady’s been untrue.

C: Wait, what?

J: (If I can cross him any way,
I bless myself every way.)

This is the tale
Of your mistress Hero;
Take her to wife,
And a cuckold you’ll be!

B: Take it home.

J: Disloyal’s too good
A word for the wicked;
Follow me tonight,
So you all can see.

C: Okay, turns out that Don John is a major bastard.

J: My parents weren’t married.

B: Yup.

P: Yeah, okay.

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