Today’s challenge is the Thursday Morning Riddle. The answer is:

PLACE is correct. Way to go, Bill!

Now, you write the riddle.

Entries should follow the same format as earlier riddles: four lines of anapestic tetrameter with rhyme scheme AAAA (all four lines rhyme). Riddles are written in the first person (i.e., from the point of view of “Place”). Semicolons are used to mark a change in word meaning. The word “Place” should not be in the riddle, in any form.

Entries are due by February 8, and a winner will be chosen after that time.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Micah. See comments for answer.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Asher. See comments for answer.

I’ve always been a fan of Kevin Spacey, particularly in American Beauty, The Usual Suspects, and Glengarry Glen Ross. I was very much looking forward to seeing him in my favorite play.

He gave a fantastic performance as Richard III, but I thought the production took too many liberties with the text for the sake of their famous headliner. Take a look at an excerpt from the production script and I think you’ll see what I mean.

ACT IV. SCENE II. London. The palace.

Sennet. Enter KING RICHARD III, in pomp, crowned; BUCKINGHAM, CATESBY, and others.

KING RICHARD III
Stand all apart Cousin of Buckingham!

BUCKINGHAM
My gracious sovereign?

KING RICHARD III
Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I’ve always wanted and now I have it. I rule! But shall we wear these honours for a day? Or shall they last, and we rejoice in them?

BUCKINGHAM
Still live they and for ever may they last!

KING RICHARD III
O Buckingham, now do I play the touch,
To try if thou be current gold indeed.
I need to shape up fast: think now what I would say.

BUCKINGHAM
Say on, my loving lord.

KING RICHARD III
Cousin, thou wert not wont to be so dull:
Shall I be plain? I want to look good naked!
What sayest thou? speak suddenly; be brief.

BUCKINGHAM
Give me some breath, some little pause, my lord
Before I positively herein:
I will resolve your grace immediately.
Exit

CATESBY
The king is angry: see, he bites the lip.

KING RICHARD III
Let’s all sell our souls and work for Satan because it’s more convenient that way. Catesby!

CATESBY
My lord?

KING RICHARD III
Rumour it abroad
That Anne, my wife, is sick and like to die.

Exit CATESBY

Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we’re anything but.

Enter TYRREL

Is thy name Tyrrel?

TYRREL
James Tyrrel, and your most obedient subject.

KING RICHARD III
Ely always said, “I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of him.” Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me are those bastards in the Tower.

TYRREL
Let me have open means to come to them,
And soon I’ll rid you from the fear of them.

Exit TYRREL.

Re-enter BUCKINGHAM.

BUCKINGHAM
My Lord, I have consider’d in my mind
The late demand that you did sound me in.

KING RICHARD III
Well, let that pass. Dorset is fled to Richmond.

BUCKINGHAM
I’ve heard we have the Marquess lost, my lord.

KING RICHARD III
Lose him? We didn’t lose him. It’s not like, “Whoops! Where’d Dorset go?” HE QUIT. Someone pass the asparagus, please.

BUCKINGHAM
My lord, I claim your gift, my due by promise,
For which your honour and your faith is pawn’d;
The earldom of Hereford and the moveables
The which you promised I should possess.

KING RICHARD III
I’m really thirsty. I used to dehydrate as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss came out like snot. I’m not kidding, it was all thick and gooey.

BUCKINGHAM
What says your highness to my just demand?

KING RICHARD III
That guy is tense. Tension is a killer.

BUCKINGHAM
My lord!

KING RICHARD III
I used to be in a barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois. The baritone was this guy named Kip Diskin, big fat guy, I mean, like, orca fat. He was so stressed in the morning…

BUCKINGHAM
My lord, your promise for the earldom,–

KING RICHARD III
Tut, tut, thou troublest me; I am not in the giving vein to-day.

BUCKINGHAM
Why?

KING RICHARD III
Because I don’t like you.

BUCKINGHAM
Why, then resolve me whether you will or no.

KING RICHARD III
Will you go to lunch? Go to lunch. Will you go to lunch?

Exeunt all except for BUCKINGHAM

BUCKINGHAM
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that, poof. He’s gone.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Kristy. See comments for answer.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Asher. See comments for answer.

As always, I remain grateful to the readers who form the other end of this partnership. To the riddle solvers and the anagram lovers and the Shakespeare teachers and the people who just like saying the word “blog.”

Here’s to another five years.

10. Earthquakes, Hurricanes, Floods, and Tornadoes (August 28)

Come read the story of how I survive the worst earthquake in, as far as I know, East Coast history, and completely fail to notice. However, other natural disasters of biblical proportions do manage to cause me some minor inconvenience.

9. It’s a Poor Workman Who Blames Yogi Berra: Artificial Intelligence and Jeopardy! (February 23)

A computer beat humans at Jeopardy!, and I put on my school data specialist’s cap to do an item analysis of the responses. Read through to the comments to see two veteran Shakespeare bloggers debate the nature of language and technology.

8. Question of the Week (January 3)

Is teaching an art or a science? Or is it both? Or is it neither? Once a purely philosophical topic, recent developments in the field have made it a question with far-reaching implications in practice and policy.

7. Film: Anonymous (November 13)

I was as surprised as you were, but I actually liked it. So, I give it a good review. Because to be angry with this film is to acknowledge that we are actually engaging in a discussion about authorship. We aren’t, but it was a good film nevertheless.

6. Top Ten Shakespeare Audio Productions (August 29)

This is just what it sounds like, except I actually list twenty. And Bob D fills in some titles I missed. It just goes to show that Shakespeare will always be in my heart… and in my ear.

5. Fifty Apps for the iPad (January 9)

I identify ten things the iPad does better than the iPod Touch, while linking to fifty apps you can do them with. This one was popular among friends and family, and generated a lot of traffic as well.

4. A Choice to Make (April 13)

Eric Hanushek wrote something I didn’t like, and I explain why. Of all of my rants about education reform over the year, this one was the most rambling and wild-eyed. I highly recommend it.

3. Another Story (November 22)

To further make my point about Anonymous, I spin the most ridiculous science-fiction, bodice-ripping thriller I can imagine, positing that Shakespeare was given the plays by space aliens. If you’re secure in the knowledge that Shakespeare wrote the plays, this is what Anonymous looks like to you.

2. Under the Influence (April 23)

The Shakespeare Birthplace Trust asked me to participate in a project in which bloggers describe in a blog post how Shakespeare has influenced their lives. People told me they thought my contribution was funny. If they only knew…

1. The Hartfordian Theory (April 27)

Long before the Anonymous controversy started brewing, I took my own shot at the Oxfordians. Actually, my real target was the birthers, but the idea is the same. What if people questioned President Obama’s legitimacy using the same arguments that Oxfordians use to question the authorship of Shakespeare’s plays? Hilarity ensues… except for one hasty reader who somehow thought I was serious; read through to the comments.

Wow, that seems so far away. I remember how far away December 2011 felt in December 2008. Now, with the Twitter and the Facebook and the iPads and the kids these days with the hair and the music, I wonder if, three years from now, there will still a place for an old-fashioned blog like this one.

Or will there be something completely different?

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Asher. See comments for answer.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Daweesa. See comments for answer.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Asher. See comments for answer.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Daweesa. See comments for answer.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Asher. See comments for answer.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Daweesa. See comments for answer.

This starship seemed an unlikely target. The captain recalled how a mundane scientific mission had turned noteworthy by the addition of the President of the Intergalactic Council, who decided to join the expedition as an observer. The scientists had been excited by the leader’s visit, and were eager to show him the important work they had been doing. But now, a Klaxon boarding party was attacking, and his life, all of their lives, were very much in danger.

A Klaxon pulse blast damaged a power generator, creating massive interference waves in the electromagnetic field within the ship, which rendered pulse weapons on both sides absolutely useless. What now? Hand-to-hand fighting? Klaxons weren’t known to be skillful in direct combat, but they could likely hold their own against a team of scientists with no battle experience.

Suddenly, the side hatch flew open, and there stood Will Daring, one of the two humans who had recently been taken from Earth, the planet they were currently orbiting. Telescopes had not yet been invented on their world, so it seemed safe to do the experiments close by. The captain had no idea how the male human had broken loose from his containment section, but he had bigger problems.

Will Daring walked halfway down the corridor. Was he fearless, or did he just not understand the threat the Klaxons posed? He bent to the floor to pick up one of the sharp wooden pikes that had been dislodged from its decorative place on the wall by the Klaxon weapons, and waved it menacingly in front of the invaders. The Klaxons took one look at the handsome eighteen-year-old human gesturing wildly with his makeshift lance, and decided it wasn’t worth the risk. They made a hasty retreat to their battleship, frightened off by no more than a boy holding a stick.

When he returned back to his hosts, the captain greeted him warmly. “You have saved the lives of this entire team, not to mention the President of the Intergalactic Council. We are all in your debt, Will Shake-Spear.” It was customary for Alliance captains to grant titles based on achievements in battle, and Will liked the way the moniker rang in his ear. “I have something for you,” the captain added slyly, beckoning Will to follow him into a side chamber.

Once the two men were alone, the captain handed Will a thick packet of paper, bound in a leather portfolio. Will looked through the pages and was surprised to find a collection of 55 plays: Hamlet, Macbeth, Love’s Labours Lost, Love’s Labour’s Won, the titles went on and on. “This is our gift to you, Will Shake-Spear,” the captain beamed, “a collection of plays for you to stage with your theatre company. We have analyzed your simple language, and have created combinations of words to appeal to the primate brains of your species. The stories have been taken from among the most popular in your culture, but the language patterns we’ve created are more complex than anything your world has ever seen.”

“What am I supposed to tell people,” Will responded, “that space aliens gave me these plays?”

“No, you must say that you yourself wrote them.”

“What sane person could possibly believe that?”

“Nevertheless, you must claim these plays as your own, or risk being condemned as a lunatic.”

Just then, the ship was rocked by an explosion. The Klaxons had fired on the science vessel and the ship’s systems were failing fast. The captain rushed to the bridge, while Will Daring ran back to the containment section where he and his companion had been kept. There he found the raven-haired beauty Anne Hathaway. Her bodice had been ripped, exposing the tops of her voluptuous breasts. For a moment, Will found himself captivated by her stunning allure before snapping back to the matter at hand. “We’ve got to get out of here!”

The two humans ran to the emergency hatch, but there were no escape chambers. By now, the damaged ship had broken orbit and had descended into the atmosphere of the planet below. Will Daring recalled a drawing he had seen by Leonardo Da Vinci, created over a century earlier. “I have an idea!” he bellowed over the sound of explosions erupting across the ship. Grabbing some nearby cloth, he created a makeshift parachute, grabbed Anne Hathaway, and jumped out of the hatch.

As the two floated gently to their home planet below, Anne Hathaway looked at Will Daring like he was the only man in the world. He had always felt she was unapproachable to him, nine years older and so impossibly lovely. But now they were closer than they had ever been. The landing was rough, but the two were unhurt. Nothing could hurt them now.

The explosion of the starship turned the sky a bright orange, creating a majestic backdrop for the most passionate kiss either of them had ever known. “Oh darling!” moaned Anne Hathaway breathlessly. “It’s pronounced Daring,” Will responded calmly, looking down at the bulky leather portfolio still in his hands, “but from now on, baby, you can call me Shakespeare!”

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Daweesa. See comments for answer.

Let’s set aside the question of whether or not the film is accurate. The film is wildly inaccurate. The notion that Shakespeare didn’t write the plays is not even the most egregious speculation offered by John Orloff’s cheeky screenplay. If anyone wants to stand outside the theatre and argue that, yes, this is all true, they should be treated about as seriously as someone making that claim about Star Wars or Waiting for Superman. But inside the theatre, we have license to suspend our disbelief. Call it historical fiction, alternate timeline, sci-fi fantasy, or whatever helps the medicine go down, but don’t miss Anonymous for political reasons.

The film is based on the premise that the plays we know as William Shakespeare’s were actually written by Edward De Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford. Unable to claim the plays as his own in a treacherous climate, he asks established playwright Ben Jonson to put his name on them. Jonson wants to keep his voice distinct from the nobleman’s, so an illiterate actor, one William Shakespeare, steps forward and claims the glory. Political maneuverings surrounding the question of who will succeed the aging Queen Elizabeth I create tension for Oxford, who finds that he can speak directly to the people through the voice of his celebrated front man. You see? It all makes perfect sense.

The visual depiction of Elizabethan London is stunning and believable. Rhys Ifans and Sebastian Armesto give outstanding performances as Oxford and Jonson. Vanessa Redgrave and Joely Richardson (her daughter) together create a powerful mutli-dimensional Elizabeth. If you can stomach the depiction of our beloved William Shakespeare as an opportunistic buffoon, he is played to comic perfection by Rafe Spall. But if it does bother you, please remember that Shakespeare himself is largely responsible for our present day image of King Richard III as a deformed child-murderer. Payback’s a bitch, Billy-Boy.

But his own depiction aside, I think Shakespeare is honored by this film. A running theme throughout the movie is that these simple words have the power to delight and to inspire, to incite riots and to seduce monarchs. Will some people come away with the idea that Shakespeare was a fraud? Maybe. But for every audience member who gets that impression, there will be another ten who are moved to find out more about these plays and poems. We get to hear quite a bit of the original language spoken by the magnificent Mark Rylance as Richard Burbage, and the see the power it wields. That’s the transcendent truth that rises above all of the fabrications. And that, ultimately, is what we take away from Anonymous.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by Asher. See comments for answer.

Who am I?

UPDATE: Riddle solved by DeLisa. See comments for answer.