Archive for the 'The Plantagenets' Category

Shakespeare Song Parody: Dutiful Gloucester

Friday, March 22nd, 2013

This is the 28th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

Dutiful Gloucester
sung to the tune of “Beautiful Monster” by Ne-Yo

(For Janai…)

In your life,
As Lord Protector,
You aim to serve
‘Till the king’s grown.

But your wife,
So ambitious,
Wants to see
You ascend the throne.

But, I don’t mind.
In fact, I like it.
I can use her pride,
And I’ll bring her down with you.

Oh!

Duke of Gloucester,
Dutiful Gloucester,
Dutiful Gloucester,
Must fall behind.

And I’ll use her.
Yes, I’ll use her.
Dutiful Gloucester
Must fall behind.

Must fall behind (fall behind, fall, must fall behind),
Must fall behind (fall behind, fall, must fall behind),
Must fall behind (fall behind, fall, must fall behind),
Must fall behind.

Let her cast
Her magical spells.
Her true heart
Will shine right through.

But, I don’t mind.
In fact, I like it.
I can use her pride,
And I’ll bring her down with you.

Duke of Gloucester (Duke of Gloucester),
Dutiful Gloucester (dutiful Gloucester),
Dutiful Gloucester (dutiful Gloucester),
Must fall behind (fall behind).

And I’ll use her (and I’ll use her),
Yes, I’ll use her (yes, I will use her),
Dutiful Gloucester (dutiful Gloucester),
Must fall behind (fall behind, must fall behind),
Must fall behind.

And she’ll show her heart,
And you’ll be much maligned.

Fall behind, and you’ll fall behind.
Fall behind, and you’ll fall behind.
Fall behind, and you’ll fall behind.
Fall behind, and you’ll fall behind.

You’ll fall behind!

Shakespeare Anagram: Richard III

Saturday, February 9th, 2013

From Richard III:

O, that thou wouldst as well afford a grave
As thou canst yield a melancholy seat!
Then would I hide my bones, not rest them here.

Shift around the letters, and it becomes:

To unearth late Richard the Third’s gamy bones would teach us, seem to alienate the vastly-followed myth.

No halo was found.

Shakespeare Song Parody: Blocked from Succession

Friday, February 1st, 2013

This is the 22nd in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

Blocked from Succession
sung to the tune of “Locked out of Heaven”

(With apologies to Bruno Mars, and the royal family…)

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh!

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh!

To avoid a legitimacy disaster,
You worked out an arrangement to be fair:
That Henry finish out his reign as Lancaster,
And York would then become his legal heir.

But your deal makes me feel paralyzed.
Yeah, your deal makes me feel paralyzed.
And it’s wrong, yeah, yeah, yeah.

‘Cause it means that my son
Will be blocked from succession
To the throne, to the throne.
Yeah, it means that my son
Will be blocked from succession
To the throne,
To the throne.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh!

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh!

You boasted of your high descent,
In front of Parliament;
You can wear this impressive paper crown.
I’ve a tiger’s heart that’s wrapped in a woman’s hide,
And I won’t let you take this family down.

‘Cause your deal makes me feel paralyzed.
Yeah, your deal makes me feel paralyzed.
And it’s wrong, yeah, yeah, yeah.

‘Cause it means that my son
Will be blocked from succession
To the throne, to the throne.
Yeah, it means that my son
Will be blocked from succession
To the throne,
To the throne.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, off with his head;
Take time to do him dead.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, off with his head;
Take time to do him dead.

‘Cause it means that my son
Won’t be blocked from succession
To the throne, to the throne.
Yeah, it means that my son
Won’t be blocked from succession
To the throne,
To the throne.

Shakespeare Song Parody: Lady, It’s Warm Outside

Friday, December 28th, 2012

This is the 17th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

Lady, It’s Warm Outside
sung to the tune of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

(With apologies to Cee-Lo Green, Christina Aguilera, and the many artists who have performed this seasonal classic duet…)

You venomous toad

Lady, it’s warm outside

Hey, just hit the road

Metaphorically warm outside

I’ve been left to lament

The winter of discontent

And I’m concerned

To glorious summer has turned

You’re a pitiless beast

Beautiful, that’s something at least

Give me leave to curse thyself

I feel even worse myself

And now I accuse thyself

Beautiful, I can’t excuse myself

May lightning strike you dead

These compliments will go to my head

My husband has died

Lady, not by my hand

But your regicide

That was not what I planned

You should be locked in a fetter

I know one place better

As I have said

It is beside you in your bed

I ought to say no, no, no, sir

Mind if I move in closer

Cursed be your future wife

Lady, I want it to be you in my life

I really can’t stay

Now, Lady, don’t storm out

‘Cause it’s warm outside

Now this king is dead

Your beauty gave me pause

And you killed my Ed

Your beauty was the cause

If I thought that

It really knocks me flat

My nails would rend

Don’t even start to pretend

My sister will disown me

Lady, have you ever really known me

My father will spin in his grave

In life, he was far more brave

It will dishonor my husband’s life

A better husband for his wife

I really don’t know what to say

You’ve nowhere else to go anyway

You deserve your reward

Lady, if you think it best

Say, lend me your sword

Drive it right through my chest

It’s not in me to kill

Say the word and I will

I have already said

In your rage, but now you have a clearer head

I wish I knew your heart

I will inter this king

You lied to me right from the start

Vouchsafe to wear this ring

I’m glad you have repented

I’m glad you have relented

‘Cause it’s warm outside

Shakespeare Autocorrect

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012


Shakespeare Song Parody: Fat Jack

Friday, December 21st, 2012

This is the 16th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

Fat Jack
sung to the tune of “Tik Tok”

(With apologies to Ke$ha, and all the party people…)

Wake up in the morning feeling like H. Percy (Hey, what up, Hal),
Pounding in my head is gonna show no mercy (Let’s go).
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of sack,
‘Cause once I start to drink I have to keep up with Jack.

I’m talkin’…

Hanging out with the boys (boys),
At the inn the gang enjoys (joys),
Scheming out all our ploys (ploys).

Can’t stop ‘cause
Gadshill’s acting prickly,
And Bardolph’s looking sickly,
Tryna get to Mistress Quick-ly…

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Sweet Ned, gone to bed
On the floor of the Boar’s Head
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back
After drinking too much sack

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Ain’t got a care in the world,
But got plenty of tales.
Ain’t got no money in my pocket,
But I am Prince of Wales.

And all the soldiers lining up,
‘Cause they know I have power,
But we kick them to the curb,
Unless they fight like Glendower.

I’m talkin’ ‘bout – Falstaff playing my Dad (Dad),
The best role he’s ever had (had),
But the ending is much too sad (sad).

He said not to banish him ill (ill)
But I said “I do, I will.” (will)
I said “I do, I will.” (will)
And he knows I will.

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

I know you all,
And will uphold
Your idleness,
‘Till I am king.
With my head up
I’ll banish Jack,
And won’t look back
When I am king.

I know you all,
And will uphold
Your idleness,
‘Till I am king.
With my head up.
With my head up.
With my head up.

But the party will stop when I am king…

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Sweet Ned, gone to bed,
On the floor of the Boar’s Head.
Poor Nym, look at him,
He is filled up past the brim.
Fat Jack, on his back,
After drinking too much sack.

Oh-oh-whoa-oh
Oh-oh-whoa-oh

Shakespeare Song Parody: The Death of Kings

Friday, November 30th, 2012

This is the 13th in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

The Death of Kings
sung to the tune of “Single Ladies”

(With apologies to Beyoncé, and people who don’t like song parodies…)

All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. Now put your guard up!

Just come ashore (shore), losing the war (war),
Let’s talk of grave grim things.
Gather around (round), sit on the ground (ground),
To tell stories of the death of kings.
Some poisoned by wives (wives), or war claimed their lives (lives),
Some died of hypertension.
But when you supplant (plant), that simply can’t (can’t)
Be good for your country.

‘Cause if you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
Don’t be shocked when my heirs make a thing of it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.

Whuh uh uh. Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh.
Whuh uh uh. Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh.

If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
Don’t be shocked when my heirs make a thing of it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.

I had soldiers to fight (fight), a clear divine right (right);
The Lord up in Heaven chose me.
Bolingbroke (brook), he came and took (took);
In he comes and out goes me.
Since your ascension, did I mention,
There’s significant dissention.
So you want your turn (turn), well now you’re gonna learn,
What follows when you come depose me.

‘Cause if you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.
Don’t be shocked when my heirs make a thing of it.
If you liked it then you shoulda left the king on it.

Whuh uh uh. Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh.
Whuh uh uh. Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh.

Don’t think that things will be as they were before:
A bloody civil war!
The crown is what I have earned, what I deserve!
It’s a major travesty that’s a recipe for a destiny to a misery for your children’s kids and beyond…

As soldiers take up arms,
Inflicting massive harms,
More than you have ever known,
And like those kings, I’ll be gone.

All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. All the death of kings.
All the death of kings. Now put your guard up!

Whuh uh uh!

Shakespeare Song Parody: One More Knight

Friday, November 9th, 2012

This is the eleventh in a series of pop-music parodies for Shakespeare fans.

Enjoy!

One More Knight
sung to the tune of “One More Night”

(With apologies to Maroon 5, and St. Cripin…)

You and I look hard at each other while preparing for war.
You and I assess that our troop levels are less than before.
You and I agree it’s an issue that we should not ignore.
You and I diverge on the question of our wishing for more.

Yeah, today’s the feast of Crispin, Crispianus,
This day is holy-y,
And those who fight with us here, fight with us here,
Shall be not lowly-y,
And yearly when this day comes, when this day comes,
You’ll tell the story-y,
And so the fewer the men, fewer the men,
The greater share of glory-y.

We few are enough, if we’re marked to die,
And so now I pray, wish not one more knight.
Rather take their leave, those who would not fight,
But I pray thee, coz, wish not one more knight.

Gentlemen of England,
Who are now home resting quiet in bed,
Will curse themselves,
They were not here fighting with us instead,
Hold their manhoods cheap,
And find there’s little more that they have to say,
To the heroes that fought
Alongside the King on St. Crispin’s Day.

Yeah, today’s the feast of Crispin, Crispianus,
This day is holy-y,
And those who fight with us here, fight with us here,
Shall be not lowly-y,
And yearly when this day comes, when this day comes,
You’ll tell the story-y,
And so the fewer the men, fewer the men,
The greater share of glory-y.

We few are enough, if we’re marked to die,
And so now I pray, wish not one more knight.
Rather take their leave, those who would not fight,
But I pray thee, coz, wish not one more knight.

Shakespeare Song Parody: Countrywide Problems

Friday, September 28th, 2012

This is the eighth of a series of Shakespeare-themed parodies of popular songs.

Enjoy!

Countrywide Problems
rapped to the beat of “99 Problems”

(With apologies to Jay-Z, and anyone who came here looking for stuff they could use in class…)

I ain’t worried ‘bout the Maid of Orleans.
I got countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.

I got morbid fears on the war frontiers,
This thing’s been ragin’ on for a Hundred Years.
Charles the Dauphin named himself the French King.
I’m the French King, stupid, you don’t know a damn thing.
My father did conquer, or haven’t you heard,
Reclaiming the title of Edward III.
So now England and France are united as one.
If you don’t like the arrangement, too bad, it’s all done.
But with our generals shaken, an army unskilled,
With Talbot taken, and with Salisbury killed,
The French took back Champaigne and Rouen,
Rheims and Poitiers, and now Paris is gone… zut alors!
I don’t know what you take me as,
Or understand the divine right that Henry has.
We took back Rouen, but the French ain’t done.
I got countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.
Back me!

Countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.
I ain’t worried ‘bout the Maid of Orleans.
I got countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.
Back me!

It’s 1429, and the realm is fine,
But some folks just want to step out of line.
My uncles spend hours debating my powers,
And out in the garden, they’re choosing up flowers.
Plantagenet shows up with a smirk on his face,
And actin’ like the fool thinks he owns the damn place, so I
Take the time out of planning for wars,
And I heard “I have a claim that’s better than yours.”
You don’t have a claim, who you messin’ with?
Your pops was a traitor, mine was Henry V,
So what’s this claim you think you can flaunt?
“From my mother from a brother who was older than Gaunt.”
Uh-huh. “My uncle carried the Mortimer name,
And now that he’s gone I inherit his claim.”
Descended through a female, so you missed your chance.
“If that’s how it goes, what are we doing in France?”
We use English law here, you wanna be a smart alec,
French law is different, and it’s not the Law Salic!
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack, you some type of scholar or somthin’,
Some kind of royal family historian?”
I ain’t got all the lineage trees from Burke’s,
But I know a little somethin’ ’bout how this all works.
I gave him York, but his trench ain’t done.
I got countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.
Back me!

Countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.
I ain’t worried ‘bout the Maid of Orleans.
I got countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.
Back me!

Now once upon a time, when I had to invade,
A monarch like myself had to strong-arm a maid.
This is not a maid in the sense of some girl with a sword,
But a self-proclaimed handmaid who waits on the Lord.
My army met hers on an Angiers field,
And in force of war, York made the witch yield.
You know the type, claiming divine sight,
But she couldn’t hold her own in a brute fight.
The only thing that I’d let happen is to stop all her yappin’,
Take her to the stake and start strappin’ with the wrappin’,
And then watch the witch start bargainin’,
In a desperate attempt just to save her skin.
Such an unholy lass, so afraid of death,
That she’s spouting out lies with her dying breath.
She denied her father, claimed a noble birth,
And an unborn child to increase her worth.
But from Renier of Naples or Alencon?
So much for the “Maid” of Orleans.
We lit the fire, and the stench ain’t fun.
I got countrywide problems, burnin’ a wench ain’t one.
Back me!

Countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.
I ain’t worried ‘bout the Maid of Orleans.
I got countrywide problems, but a wench ain’t one.
Back me!

Shakespeare’s Most Underrated Characters

Sunday, August 5th, 2012

Over at Pursued by a Bear, Cassius put together a series of videos lauding Shakespeare’s Most Underrated Characters back while I was on hiatus. They’re definitely worth checking out. Even when you disagree with one of her choices, she makes a compelling case.

Still, she includes such “underrated characters” as Hamlet and Othello. And while I totally get that a character can be highly rated and yet underrated, a list like this is an opportunity to bench the starters and let the minor characters show their stuff. Basically, what I’m saying is, I want to play too. Now that I’m back, here is my list, with a hat tip to Cassius for the idea.

An old theatre maxim says there are no small parts, but below you’ll find some really outstanding exceptions. Some of them don’t even have names. If your reaction to seeing some of these is “Wait… who?” then I’ve done my job. But don’t dismiss them just yet; they’re on this list for a reason. Let’s start the countdown at 50.

50. Costard (Love’s Labour’s Lost) – With so many foolish characters in one play, it’s easy to overlook the actual clown. But Costard spins some impressively deft wordplay that puts more erudite characters to shame.

49. Pinch (The Comedy of Errors) – Just as things get about as silly as you think they could get, enter good Doctor Pinch. While others suspect Antipholus of mere madness, Pinch tries to exorcize Satan from within him.

48. Fluellen (Henry V) – The Welsh captain may speak his bombast with a funny accent, but he’s not a man to be trifled with. He bravely leads his troops into battle, and handles himself ably in private matters as well.

47. The Scottish Doctor (Macbeth) – A doctor is brought in to cure Lady Macbeth’s madness. Sadly, modern psychiatric practice would be far beyond the reach of Shakespeare’s England, let alone Macbeth’s Scotland.

46. Peter Quince (A Midsummer Night’s Dream) – It can’t be easy to construct a troupe of actors from weavers and tailors, but this is one carpenter who is up to the task. Ah, the joys of community theatre.

45. Antipholus of Ephesus (The Comedy of Errors) – The other three twins may have more stage time, but the funniest moments of the play come from the misfortunes that befall the local Antipholus.

44. Corin (As You Like It) – The old forest-dwelling shephard councils the younger love-struck Silvius, matches wits with Touchstone, and reminds us that courtly life isn’t better than the simple life, just different.

43. Antonio (Twelfth Night) – Sebastian’s savior and friend mentions that he happens to be a wanted criminal. But his love and loyalty prove to be powerful forces, as is his rhetoric when he thinks he’s been betrayed.

42. Paulina (The Winter’s Tale) – Hermione may have been the one to fake her death, but it’s Paulina who has to sell it. And sell it she does, without so much as flinching. Note to self: stay on Paulina’s good side.

41. Joan La Pucelle (1 Henry VI) – Joan of Arc, the peasant girl who led troops in winning great battles against the English, was a revered heroine among the French people. Of course, Shakespeare wasn’t French.

40. Oliver and Celia (As You Like It) – They seem like they’re going to be purely functional roles: Orlando’s evil brother and Rosalind’s supportive cousin. And then, boom, they meet and it’s love at first sight.

39. Chorus (Henry V) – The “muse of fire” prologue stands out, but the Chorus stays on the job throughout the play, adding vibrant imagery to expand the theatrical experience beyond the limitations of the stage.

38. Adam (As You Like It) – Rather than embody the bleak vision of Jacques’s last age of man, the spry Adam warns Orlando of the plot against him and faithfully agrees to serve him in exile. Eighty years young!

37. Pompey (Measure for Measure) – Not quite Pompey the Great, his bum is the greatest thing about him. Sent to prison, the former brothel bartender feels right at home among his old customers.

36. First and Second Lords (All’s Well That Ends Well) – This list has a soft spot for characters who aren’t even given names. The Lords are real characters that help advance the plot over multiple scenes. No respect!

35. Duke Senior (As You Like It) – A lesser man might be slightly annoyed by having his entire dukedom usurped. But Duke Senior takes “being a good sport” to a whole new level. And notice he’s not given a name either.

34. Charmian and Iras (Antony and Cleopatra) – When Cleopatra chooses to leave this world, she is flanked by her two most loyal servants – Iras just before and Charmian just after. Good help is hard to find.

33. Lord Stanley, Earl of Derby (Richard III) – Richard is so crazed with paranoia that when he accuses Stanley of betrayal, we completely believe the good earl’s denial. But wait… yeah, he went right to Richmond.

32. Archibald, Earl of Douglas (1 Henry IV) – “That sprightly Scot of Scots… that runs o’ horseback up a hill perpendicular” is outbattled by Hal, outwitted by Falstaff, and ultimately captured and released. Ah well.

31. Son and Father (3 Henry VI) – On the battlefield, Henry observes a son who has killed his father and a father who has killed his son. He thus realizes the heavy cost of the war, and his own responsibility for it.

30. The Thane of Ross (Macbeth) – Whether it’s victory in battle or the slaughter of your family, nobody delivers the news like the Thane of Ross, whatever his actual name may happen to be.

29. Roderigo (Othello) – Often overshadowed by the more dynamic characters in the play, Roderigo is a fantastic comic role. Hopelessly in love with Desdemona, Roderigo is an easy target for Iago’s machinations.

28. Iachimo (Cymbeline) – This “little Iago” deserves better than to be thought of as a diminutive derivative. But unlike his nefarious namesake, he never really meant any harm, and is honestly repentant at the end.

27. Lord (The Taming of the Shrew) – We remember Christopher Sly, but what of the Lord who devised the over-the-top prank in the first place. Actually, either one could make this list; they usually both get cut.

26. The Provost (Measure for Measure) – When the Duke realizes he can no longer implement his plan alone, he recruits the Provost, who proves to be an able accomplice. But why does he not have a name?

25. The Queen (Cymbeline) – She’s the classic fairy tale wicked step-mother, who even has the self-awareness to swear she isn’t. On her deathbed, she admits she never loved Cymbeline. It’s good to be the Queen.

24. The Earl of Suffolk (1 Henry VI) – He woos the young Margaret for the king, but has some grand designs of his own. “Margaret shall now be queen, and rule the king; But I will rule both her, the king, and realm.”

23. Casca (Julius Caesar) – Other characters consider him dull, blunt, and rude, but don’t take their word for it. I find Casca to be witty, wise, and shrewd. Read over his lines and decide for yourself.

22. Countess of Auvergne (1 Henry VI) – Talbot takes a break from invading France to be flattered by the noblewoman’s invitation to her house. It’s a trap, but she ends up having him over for Freedom Fries anyway.

21. Rumor (2 Henry IV) – Best. Prologue. Ever. The living embodiment of Rumor brags about the damage he’s done, while seamlessly bringing us up to speed on what’s happened since Part One. Open your ears.

20. Simpcox and Wife (2 Henry VI) – They are almost the definition of small Shakespearean roles. But their scene is genuinely laugh-out-loud funny. Go check it out!

19. Mariana (Measure for Measure) – She shows up late in the play, and even then she’s no more than a convenient plot device with very few lines of significance. But then the final scene arrives, and … wow.

18. The Bishop of Carlisle (Richard II) – Richard is defeated, and Henry would be King. Carlisle protests vigorously, describing exactly what will result. As Shakespeare and his audience know, he’s absolutely right.

17. Antonio (The Tempest) – I have to admit that some of the nobles from the boat tend to blend together for me, but Antonio, who usurped his brother Prospero, stands out as the most cold-blooded.

16. Moth (Love’s Labour’s Lost) – Compare Don Adriano de Armado and Moth with Zap Brannigan and Kif. Note that Kif’s first Futurama episode was entitled “Love’s Labour’s Lost in Space.”

15. Mistress Overdone (Measure for Measure) – She’s had nine husbands (“overdone by the last”) and this clear-eyed brothel owner still manages to run her business like a professional.

14. Gratiano (The Merchant of Venice) – It’s okay if you don’t remember. He’s the other guy, the one who ends up with Nerissa. But he’s also a really clever comic character who can be a lot of fun to play.

13. John Talbot (1 Henry VI) – He only appears in a couple of scenes, but Lord Talbot’s son can display valor and loyalty in rhymed couplets like nobody else.

12. Thersites (Troilus and Cressida) – Shakespeare describes him as “a deformed and scurrilous Grecian,” and that’s just in the Dramatis Personae.

11. Lord Chief Justice (2 Henry IV) – Henry V’s harsh denial of Falstaff overshadows the new king giving a high place of honor to the constable who chased him down throughout his wayward youth.

10. Doll Tearsheet (2 Henry IV) – Falstaff’s favorite prostitute knows how to handle herself in a bar fight. She gives Pistol a tongue-lashing he really should have had to pay for.

9. Apemantus (Timon of Athens) – Oh yeah, I went there. But you don’t have to read the whole play, just check out the mother joke in the first scene.

8. Pistol (Henry V) – The loudmouth soldier tends to get overshadowed by Falstaff. But his bombast can shatter the stage when he’s ready to discharge.

7. Domitus Enobarbus (Antony and Cleopatra) – He’s a loyal soldier who abandons Antony only because he can’t support his self-destructive behavior. When Antony returns his treasure, Enobarbus dies of shame.

6. Arthur (King John) – He has few scenes, despite being an important character to the plot. He makes the list for successfully appealing to the heart of a man who has been sent to murder him.

5. Lady Grey (3 Henry VI) – After her side has lost the war, the Widow Grey bravely stands up to the new King. He cannot intimidate her, so he marries her instead. She’ll be Queen Elizabeth in the next play.

4. Sir William Catesby (Richard III) – We remember the evil machinations of Richard and Buckingham, but Catesby is there with them every step of the way, and seems to have no conscience about it.

3. Tranio (The Taming of the Shrew) – It’s easy to forget about Tranio. But while his master is playing servant to win his one true love, Tranio’s the servant who is playing his master – the much harder role!

2. First Gravedigger (Hamlet) – Often dismissed as merely a comic character, the Gravedigger gives Hamlet a chance to reflect on matters of life and death, thus underscoring one of the major themes of the play.

1. Jack Cade (2 Henry VI) – He’s an unlikely claimant to the throne, but his populist rhetoric has the power to start a rebellion at least. This is, I believe, Shakespeare’s most underrated character.

And finally, I invite my friends at Pursued By a Bear to join me in awarding an honorable mention to the most awesome, most minor character in the entire canon…

THE BEAR!